The Lack of Spontaneity

I have always been a planner and organizer. Crossing items out on a to do list is gratifying and rewarding. I live by my google calenders and have post-it notes everywhere. However, it’s hard to tell how much of this is my personality and how much of this has been a product of my JRA. Keeping track of at least 6 different specialists, from different hospitals with different clinic days, requires a good organizational system. Remembering when to take pills each day and eye drops as frequently as every four hours, requires consistent and successful planning.

However, I feel like I have missed out on the ability to be spontaneous throughout my life. I had contact lenses at five years old due to my Uveitis and as a result any overnight school trips or friend slumber parties required more planning than my peers. My mother would often drive to my friends house, remove my contact lenses and then come back the next morning to put them in (being as inconspicuous as possible) so I could still experience those childhood memories. Even as I entered college and I was independent in all my healthcare needs, my life still lacked the spontaneity that my friends enjoyed. I could never “crash” on a friends couch  and walk home the next day (not that I ever wanted to!). If there was ever a chance I wouldn’t be coming home that night, I would “plan” to be spontaneous and pack the smallest bag possible with back up contact lens solution, glasses and eye drops. I often carried a Marry Poppins type purse filled with re-wetting eye drops, purel, spare contact lenses, contact cases, contact solutions, advil, icy hot and medications.

Still to this day, I often wish I could just fall asleep on the couch and wake up the next morning but I have a nightly routine of 6 eye drops that need to be applied a few minutes apart. I call this nightly ritual “the process” and it has just become a part my normal routine. Even though the days of spontaneously crashing on friends couches are over, I still long for the ability to have a little more carefree impulsiveness in my life…


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